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Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story by Chuck Klosterman (2005)

Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story by Chuck Klosterman (2005)I’m one of those sentimental old fools who expects the writing between the covers to somehow relate to the cover blurbs. Not praise as such, as that’s all subjective anyway, but I expect the cover copy to be related to the actual content of the book. So when I read that Chuck Klosterman’s Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story was about a cross-American road trip seeking out the places where rock stars have died and the legendary status attributed to leaving a pretty corpse, I was excited. I was there. I was ready to delve in to the murky world of glamourized tragic deaths and rock hero icons. On assignment for Spin magazine, Klosterman sets out across America on a three week trip from the Chelsea hotel where Sid Vicious stabbed Nancy Spungen, to the greenhouse in Seattle where Kurt Cobain shot himself.

When I say that Killing Yourself to Live isn’t really about a cross-country road trip to visit death sites, I don’t mean that the conceit works as a microcosmic context for some larger concept or reflection on life and death. I mean, yes, Klosterman goes on said road trip, but it is so rarely discussed or meditated upon that it seems merely a convenient excuse for working out past romantic failures through a first person narrative. Any actual thoughtful conclusions about celebrity death culture or failed relationships comes much too late, and seems forced out to beat a pushing deadline, to be considered truly insightful.

Ignoring what my expectations of Killing Yourself to Live were, Chuck Klosterman’s voice is witty, pop culturally aware and occasionally even poignant, and yet any criticism I could very reasonably make of this book – the unfailing egotism of the author, the self-aware posturing, the over-reliance on pop culture as life metaphor – is pre-emptively built into the text itself. It’s as if Klosterman is placing an impossible distance between himself and the unaffected reader. “See,” he points “I’m totally aware of my own limitations, so there’s really no need for your to point them out to me.” This technique of shutting down potential criticism places, preventsĀ  truly engaging with Klosterman’s narrative and instead just settling in as a peanut-crunching spectator.

That all said, a lot of Klosterman’s misadventures on the road are fun to read, in a “how do you even get into that situation?!” kind of way. His voice is, if meandering and obsessive, compelling. I just felt continually frustrated by Killing Yourself to Live, in that I just didn’t care about his relationship history with these women, no matter how richly told. There were enough positive aspects in the writing here to encourage me to seek out Klosterman’s other books, but unfortunately Killing Yourself to Live is indulgent navel-gazing rather than cultural commentary.

The Taqwacores by Michael Muhammad Knight (2005)

The Taqwacores by Michael Muhammad Knight (2005)Earlier this year at the Melbourne International Film Festival, my favourite film was a documentary, Taqwacore: The Birth of Punk Islam (Omar Majeed, 2009), that explored the combination of the Muslim faith and punk music. I was struck by the passion and energy that reignited the classic punk sound, it was a music that felt had some deeper necessity than the usual haircut and tattoo brigade. Though the film did sometimes digress from the cross-country journey of Muslim punk bands on tour, the power of the music stuck with me. And, lest anyone try to tell you that fiction has no cultural power anymore, the entire scene was inspired, or at least given a name, by a self-published – originally distributed as photocopied versions given out at mosques – novel that gave the alienated and confused the possibility of reassessing their religion through punk music, Michael Muhammad Knight’s The Taqwacores.

Yusef is a straight-laced Muslim who moves into a sharehouse in Buffalo, New York with other Muslims, pleasing his parents in the process. However, the house is populated by a variety of punks who question their religion while remaining devoted to it. They search for a new meaning for their faith in a contemporary America. Jehangir is Yusef’s guide through the unknown world of punk subcultures and this form of Islam so different from his parents. Jehangir is the mohawked West Coast punk traveller, having seen it all and heard it all and desperate to bring it to the East. He brings the idea of taqwacore, Muslim infused punk, to his housemates with tales of band shenanigans and powerful ideas. Also in the house is the stoner Fasiq Abasa, militant straight-edge Umar, tattooed Amazing Ayyub and burqa wearing riot grrl Rabeya.

Through the use of familiar punk stereotypes, Knight is able to bring their wildly different perspectives to their religion, filtering the religion through these recognizable cultural stereotypes. This allows the characters to argue and fight over issues such as pre-marital sex, drug use, alcohol, tattoos, female sexuality and the Quran. They may not be as devout as some, but they take their religion seriously while breaking all the rules. Yusef is largely an observer in this world, mostly conservative with no subcultural capital to speak of, but it is precisely this blankness that lets him be influenced by both sides of the cultures – he is transformed by the powerful ideas he finds in Islam, and questioning of authority he sees in the music and subculture of punk. The Taqwacores examination of issues in contemporary Islam at times reads like a manifesto, but never an indoctrinate one. Its characters are too diverse, their need to question authority too deeply instilled to allow that:

I stopped trying to define punk around the same time I stopped trying to define Islam. They aren’t so far removed as you’d think. Both began in tremendous bursts of truth and vitality but seem to have lost something along the way – the energy, perhaps, that comes with knowing the world has never seen such positive force and fury and never would again. Both have suffered from sell-outs and hypocrites, but also from true believers whose devotion had crippled their creative drives. Both are viewed by outsiders as unified, cohesive communities when nothing could be further from the truth.
I could go on but the most important similarity is that like punk, as mentioned above, Islam is itself a flag, an open symbol representing not things, but ideas. You cannot hold punk or Islam in your hands. So what could they mean besides what you want them to?

For the uninitiated like myself there is also a lot to learn from The Taqwacores about Islam culture. A glossary at the back provides translation of many of the culturally specific Arabic terms used, though strangely not all of them. The rituals and routines of Muslim life is lovingly described, even as the characters intend on breaking these rules. The story itself covers all sorts of narrative ground: road trips, coming of age, “let’s put on a show” to the journey of the doomed rebel hero. This mish-mash of fiction genres does become something of a problem as at times it seems like that while our characters are evolving, the story itself does not. However, like the best punk music, what The Taqwacores lacks in structure and traditional form it more than makes up for with an urgent energy and vital passion that demands attention.

Looking for Alaska by John Green (2005)

Looking for Alaska by John Green (2005)In John Green’s Looking for Alaska, Miles ‘Pudge’ Halter, a fan of the last words of famous individuals, decides to act on the advice of Rabelais’ supposed last words to seek the “Great Perhaps” by transferring from his high school in Florida to the boarding school Culver Creek in Alabama. Moving from a mostly friendless school life to the constant companionship of Culver Creek, Miles learns to combine social and educational responsibilities. His immersion into a group of merry pranksters, including his roommate the Colonel, introduces him to the desirable and yet distant Alaska Young. Alaska is the teen literature equivalent of film’s Manic Pixie Dream Girl, eccentric in her behaviour and tastes, with carefully affected quirks, which exist solely in order to teach the young, male protagonist about Life. Or, as is the case in Looking for Alaska, death.

Just like that. From a hundred miles an hour to asleep in a nanosecond. I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.

The novel is divided into two distinct parts, Before and After, although until the After we can only guess what the before and after refers to. I have a soft spot for boarding school stories, stemming I think from a youthful foray into Enid Blyton’s Malory Towers series, which is why the Before section of the novel was so appealing. I really loved the Before section, as the group bonded and went through requisite teenage rituals of drinking and smoking and pulling elaborate pranks, learning to deal with unrequited desires and sex. The companionable intimacy was warm, rich unlikely dialogue and a romanticized view of the banal daily realities of their lives (similar to The Perks of Being a Wallflower‘s “we were infinite” moments.) Although Alaska did show signs of being another fantasy of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl for Miles, the one who would show him about life, love and making it through the labyrinth of suffering, it never reached that stage, as the event the Before has been leading up to is Alaska’s death. On the verge of consummating his desire for her, distraught and drunk Alaska asks for the Colonel and Miles to cover for her and she drives off into the night toward her death.

I hadn’t thought of her smell since she died. But when the Colonel opened the door, I caught the edge of her scent: wet dirt and grass and cigarette smoke, and beneath that the vestiges of vanilla-scented skin lotion. She flooded into my present and only tact kept me from burying my face in the dirty laundry overfilling the hamper by her dresser. It looked asĀ  I remembered it: hundreds of books stacked against the walls, her lavender comforter crumpled at the foot of her bed, a precarious stack of books on her bedside table, her volcanic candle just peeking out from beneath the bed. It looked as I knew it would, but the smell, unmistakably her, shocked me. I stood in the centre of the room, my eyes shut, inhaling slowly through my nose, the vanilla and the uncut autumn grass, but with each slow breath, the smell faded as I became accustomed to it and soon she was gone again.

Wracked with guilt, and what feels like only the slightest suggestion of grief, After shows Miles and the Colonel not only dealing with the possibility of their role in her death but attempting to resolve the circumstances of her death. Was it an accidental collision, or illustrative of suicidal behaviour? Miles and the Colonel focus their attentions – perhaps as a way of showing their grief – to playing detective. As the pieces come together, their conclusion amounts to little more than a heartfelt response to a homework essay for a religion class. They don’t come to terms with death itself, only with Alaska’s death. Her role and her death is minimized to freeing them of their own guilt – the upstanding young men learn their lesson, but the manic, troubled young girl must die for them to do so.

All problematic issues aside, Green’s writing style is lively, littered as it is with interesting references and lively dialogue. I’ve a feeling I would have loved it as a teenager, as it focuses on bookish, slightly socially outcast students who manage to navigate the weird terrain of high school with style, smarts, charm and just the right amount of awkwardness. Nonetheless, the reduction of Alaska to a totem of male fantasy and deliverance from guilt is disappointing, but I intend to read more of John Green’s young adult fiction in the future.

The Brooklyn Follies by Paul Auster (2005)

The Brooklyn Follies by Paul Auster (2005)I’m finding it difficult to summarize Paul Auster’s The Brooklyn Follies. It is the story of Nathan Glass, a retired life insurance salesman in remission from cancer, who moves to Brooklyn with the intention of dying in peace. He is reunited with his nephew, a failed academic working in a bookstore, Tom Wood, and through him introduced to a number of characters who drift in and out of their lives and, ultimately, offer the hope of a second chance. That’s really about as much as I can say without giving away too much of the plot. I’m averse to doing so because so much of the novel’s pleasures are derived from the revelations of plot and the paths it follows. The pace is languid, taking everyday circumstance and coincidence as major turning points. This all sounds like, I imagine, pretty standard fare, but Auster writes it so artfully, and so aware of the importance of details.

Life got in the way – two years in the army, work, marriage, family responsibilities, the need to earn more and more money, all the muck that bogs us down when we don’t have the balls to stand up for ourselves – but I had never lost my interest in books. Reading was my escape and my comfort, my consolation, my stimulant of choice: reading for the pure pleasure of it, for the beautiful stillness that surrounds you when you hear an author’s words reverberating in your head.

It seems that Nathan Glass is one of those annoying fictional characters who inherently knows everything, is incredibly self-aware, and, despite his cynicism and faults, is always right in his predictions. Rather, I think that Nathan’s age and variety of life experiences have shaped his ability to read, and yet at the same time be utterly surprised by, the follies of human nature. His authorial instincts allow him to recognize how the narrative of life is shaped by coincidences. It really celebrates is the power of the personal narrative in the arena of the political. The novel ends forty six minutes before the 2001 World Trade Center attacks in New York, with Nathan Glass announcing he is happy. The 2000 presidential election is mentioned, but these are merely background, context setting for the personal stories to take place against.

That’s what we’re talking about, isn’t it? A dream, a wild dream of removing ourselves from the cares and sorrows of this miserable world and creating a world of our own. A long shot, yes, but who’s to say it can’t happen?

The Brooklyn Follies is a ripping good yarn, and it almost pains me to not be able to pinpoint exactly what it is that made me enjoy it so much. As Nathan and the cast of characters are changed and shaped by what happens, The Brooklyn Follies serves as a reminder that life doesn’t end until death, no matter how old you are, how hopeless, how distanced, there is always the possibility of change.

The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion (2005)

The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion (2005)

Life changes fast.
Life changes in the instant.
You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.

After her husband is pronounced dead, the social worker assigned to Joan Didion reassures the doctor that she is “a real cool customer.” This coolness translates into her recollection and attempt to understand her loss, which sadly prevents the reader from forming any lasting emotional connection to her story. After their daughters hospitalization with pneumonia, Joan Didion and her husband John Gregory Dunne return home and prepare for dinner. Mid-conversation, Dunne suffers a fatal cardiac arrest. The Year of Magical Thinking is written in the year after his death, and follows Didion’s grieving process while her daughter is readmitted to hospital after collapsing.

Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband is about to return and need his shoes.

Joan Didion, Quintana Roo Dunne and John Gregory Dunne

Didion attempts to understand her emotional reaction to her husbands death, an intensely personal and painful process. Throughout, however, she remains objectively detached, even in her description of her most intimate thoughts, fears and revelations. She remembers times spent together with Dunne, what that meant then and now, things that were said, the meaning of which have changed for her. At times Didion’s journalistic instincts take over the emotional impulse, she researches the psychological effects of grief, she buys impenetrable textbooks on neuroanatomy to try better understand her daughter’s condition. Information, she claims, is the key to control. She is continually seeking official documentation, learning the medical jargon to be able to locate some rational sense in her loss.

For a memoir which focuses solely on loss, death and mourning, Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking is life affirming, but distanced. At the same time, I think my failure to really deeply connect with this is due to my not having experienced such a profound loss. I enjoyed Didion’s map of human consciousness, the bizarre and seemingly irrational paths our minds take, and her honesty about her relationship.

Saturday by Ian McEwan (2005)

Saturday by Ian McEwan Saturday: Saturday, February 15, 2003. Henry Perowne is a contented man – a successful neurosurgeon, the devoted husband of Rosalind, a newspaper lawyer, and proud father of two grown-up children, one a promising poet, the other a talented musician. Unusually, he wakes before dawn, drawn to the window of his bedroom and filled with a growing unease. What troubles him as he looks out at the night sky is the state of the world – the impending war against Iraq, a gathering pessimism since 9/11, and a fear that his city, its openness and diversity, and his happy family life are under threat.

However irrational it may be, I cracked open this book expecting to dislike it. It could be a combination of the critical and popular acclaim awarded upon McEwan’s writing and the fact that I tend to not gravitate toward this sort of fiction. So I was somewhat surprised to find that I loved the writing style and the level of detail given to every aspect of Henry’s life. Saturday follows a day off in the life of a neurosurgeon, Henry Perowne, as he navigates his way around London in the midst of a huge anti-war rally, from his traumatic experience mid-morning which colours his attitude throughout the day, his chance encounter with an afflicted hoodlum and a family dinner. In the first section, as Henry awakes early mid-morning and sees a plane on fire in the sky we are given insight into him, his thoughts, his work, his history and his family. In this section McEwan adequately captures that particular brand of post 9/11 paranoia, Perowne’s thoughts instantly turn to the worst possible scenario. He turns to that institution of instant reportage of the early morning news to discover more about what he has just witnessed, lightly distressed that it isn’t given too much importance.

Throughout, the writing maintains this high attention to detail. McEwan is able to inject Perowne’s thoughts as he goes about his daily actions and touches upon recollections of his past, insight into his profession, how he views the world and how it contrasts with those around him, and even how he thinks he came to hold such a position. There also seems to be a running hyper-awareness of the mediatization of experience:

He is cast in a role, and there’s no way out. This, as people like to say, is urban drama. A century of movies and half a century of television have rendered the matter insincere. It is pure artifice. Here are the cars, and here are the owners. Here are the guys, the strangers, whose self-respect is on the life. Someone is going to have to impose his will and win, and the other is going to give way. Popular culture has worn this matter smooth with reiteration, this ancient genetic patrimony that oils the machinations of bullfrogs and cockerels and stags. And despite the varied and casual dress code, there are rules as elaborate as the politesse of the Versailles court that no set of genes can express. For a start, it is not permitted as they stand there to acknowledge the self-consciousness of the event, or its overbearing irony: from just up the street, they can hear the tramping and tribal drums of the peace mongers. Furthermore, nothing can be predicted, but everything, as soon as it happens, will seem to fit.

However, this detail laden writing becomes something of a hindrance with the episode of violence upon the Perowne family. Rather than giving insight into what should be seen as a terribly traumatic experience, here it seems that Perowne is largely cold and detached from what is happening to him and his family. It is as though he is just recounting something from his past, something that they’ve already moved beyond. It could be that this is just his way of responding to the unknown, the frightening invasion of privacy and peace. It could also be a comment on how acts of terror are reported in the media, as something distant and unknowable, sanitized for our daily consumption. So while the style of writing may have placed me as a reader at an emotional distance from the turmoil, at the same time it triggered further ruminations upon the effects of doing so, and where else these effects are at work, and the implication of such distancing.

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